Day 5, 6 &7 (trying to get current)

Day 5 (March 7)

I am awake. But, there is a huge tube going down my throat. I don’t understand why it is there. I just keep gagging. I think if I throw up it might come out. In my dreams I am trying to throw up too. In my dreams Vikki says, “Don’t force it if you have to puke you have to puke.” I’m really confused. Someone tells me it’s helping me breathe, but I know I can breathe on my own. So, I try to pull it out. For some reason I remember being told, “If I don’t calm down none of my friends or family will be able to come visit me again.” Although this scares me, I think, that’s okay, I’ll just leave. At this point I think I’m doing a voluntary experiment. I think imp doing this for a favor to my mom for saving my life when a Ninja couple broke into our house and tried to kill us. Of course, that was a dream as well. But my dreams for the past five days have been my reality. And this place that I open my eyes to doesn’t make any sense. Since I was trying to take out the respirator and the other tubes they had to restrain me. I hated my restraint. In my dreams I was restrained as well. But it was to a video game system. For some reason I was being forced to play. I didn’t like playing it because it bumped around and hurt my head.

Day 6 March 8

Vikki wants to write…

Ryan and I got the night shift…I was super excited though because I finally was going to have alone time with an awake Rikki. I got there and my mom told me she was restrained because she was trying to pull out her tubes…I hurried my mom out there and finally got my alone time. She was speaking. The first thing she said was, “ah ah ehhhhh, take this thing off.” So Ryan took her restraint off. Her arm went crazy! Pulling at her tubes in her arm and her catheter…and even reaching up to swat her head! I yelled at Ryan, grab her hand. And he did…she would ask very politely to let go, and he would say, “I will if you promise to calm down.” She obliged, he’d let go and she would go crazy again. She was trying to leave too…she kept kicking and pushing the bed with all her might, on her right side, because at this point her left side still did not move. She had so much strength. It made me very happy. But, Ryan learned real quickly to stop untying her restraint. We were no longer fooled.

I remember doing this, but I remember it differently, I was tied up to a chair and I couldn’t get out, everyone was up and having a good time and I was tied to a chair, I asked Vikki’s boyfriend to free me I was begging him to cut me loose, I wanted to hang out and have fun too, but why wouldn’t anyone let me? What did I do to deserve this?

Vikki again….It also made me very sad to see her like this. I was so excited to hang out with her but she didn’t want to hang out with me. She kept asking for James. I kept telling her that he needs to sleep and please hang out with me but she just kept asking for him. She began petting Ryan’s head. She just stared at him completely ignoring me. I tried not to be jealous, not only was I not getting any attention but she was giving it to my man! But, I thought whatever, at least she’d calm. It wasn’t until later that I realized the reason she was petting Ryan is because she thought he was James. I told her that Ryan was Ryan and James was not there. I told her this over and over until she said, “I know that that is Ryan, I’m talking to James…he is standing right behind him.” I knew we had a problem…should I tell her she was seeing things or go along with it??? I decided to tell her she was just seeing things. She ignored me and instead started to talk to her imaginary James. She said, “James, why are you being so negative? Come here, come here…lay with me James.” I thought, uh oh, how is this going to end? She grabbed her pillow, cuddled it and at 6am, for the first time in 6 hours, she closed her eyes. And then 2 minutes later my shift was over, and Kate came in, and Rikki woke up.

In my dreams everyone was mad at James and he wasn’t allowed to see me, for some reason they were all keeping him away, for my defense Vikki’s boyfriend was wearing one of James shirts, in my dreams he was pretending to be James and I was really very annoyed. No I did not want to sleep I was afraid of my nightmares, but I was also afraid of reality because my hallucinations were taking over any form of reality I had.

My favorite story from this day however was when she asked me, in the best voice I’d heard from her yet…”oh my god, I’m a a…retard. I’m retarded.” I cried for the first time in front of her as I told her no…and I had to step out of the room.

Ok, this I remember as well, I was doing my experimental work for my mom, I didn’t want to but I promised her I would stay until I was done because she had saved my life from the ninjas…dreams. And vikki snuck in and told me the treatments I was doing for my mom were making me worse. Vikki in my dreams explained to me that I was normal when they checked me in, which I remembered, but what they were doing to me was progressively making me worse, this was true, because now I could hardly talk, and couldn’t move my limbs. So I asked her…”am I retarded?” No she said, you’re not, they are just making you that way. I was convinced now, that the nurses were trying to kill me.

Day 7 March 9th

Vikki wants to talk again…
I got the night shift again, but this time I got there at 10pm and left at 2am. This day was even harder. As soon as I got there she asked where James was and when he was coming. I spent the next 4 hours answering this question. I asked her to sleep and he would get there sooner, but she wouldn’t. We watched TV for a minute, the Kardashians was on, but she asked me to turn it off. Then every couple minutes she would press power on the TV. (The TV was right in front of her face) She couldn’t actually press the button so I would ask her if she wanted to watch TV. She would say no, I just want to see the time. And then she would ask what time James was coming. I prayed he would be on time. And on the dot at 2 am he walked in the room. She was so happy. I was so happy. We passed time waiting for James by, turning on the fan, turning off the fan, sucking spit out of her mouth, feeding her ice, restraining her arm, restraining her foot, putting on the blanket, taking off the blanket and then repeat, repeat, repeat.

I felt so bad for making Vikki wait on me, it wasn’t her job, in my mind my mom got me into this mess so she was supposed to assist me . But I was hot then cold and I couldn’t move and I still didn’t know why, why didn’t anyone tell me? I just thought I knew why I was there, to be made into a vegetable so the doctors could read my dreams and then bring me back.